I spent so much time crying as a child, some pretty normal times and some strange times, like when I forgot to bring a pencil to school.
Fear and Crying go hand in hand, atleast for me.
I couldn’t control my crying even up till the age of 15, I felt like a broken human, I’d cry over the slightest things and others in the class would wonder what was the big deal? Think “crybaby, you’re in highschool now so you shouldn’t be crying, it’s not that bad, I was only joking”
As I am now, I realise I was trained by the folk around me to repress my emotions and it distressed me greatly.. who I was then and who I am now are different, I’m crying again and it’s great. Yesterday at this time (1pm) I sat down during worship and cried my eyes out. I was pondering on the feelings of abandonment I had growing up.
I always felt like I was missing something everyone else had. I desperately searched for meaning in everything. In why someone insulted me, in why I cried so much, In why I was born with a heart problem. I didn’t find out everything despite all the searching, because I was searching in the wrong places. I looked to the wrong people to find the answer.
I did find out why I cried and why folk insulted me in general when I was going through counselling in 2013, she used CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) It helped. Yet I still felt that missing part of knowledge. How did the others not cry? What am I missing?
The thing is, not everyone uses the same strategy to ease and understand themselves. I tried to copy the strategy of others and It got me nowhere, because I needed my own strategy, not just an imitation of someone else’s.
Honestly, I am a big baby. I’m so ridiculously sensitive and there was some truth in those insults. I’m really emotional, I couldn’t control the outbursts. Now I can, but at the sacrifice of hardly expressing myself. The memories I have of me crying infront of everyone torment me at times, that’s when my strategy emerges.
I Spend time alone with God.
It works. I express everything to him, and practice doing it with others.
It works, for me.
Take much care.
Love,
Lewis
Photo by Tom Pumford on Unsplash
