I need to let some things out

I’ve been struggling as usual, and it never seems to end.

When I come to writing things down I always feel I have to justify my feelings or thoughts first, let’s skip that part.


This is what I think everyone knows:

I’m shy. Everyone knows I forget everything. They know I’m clumsy, sometimes a bit aloof and usually tapping my right leg. That I’m not reliable. That I don’t get out much and don’t have many friends my age. That I often don’t feel comfortable. That I’m a creative person. That I should be avoided.

Yes I’m paranoid. I am, I truly am paranoid.

I’m constantly afraid of what everyone is thinking. Constantly aware of every stutter and every awkward leg movement I make. I’m aware that I’m paranoid.

I don’t know what to say, but.. I don’t trust people very easily. I’m afraid they’re going to be disappointed in me. I’m afraid that if I tell them how I truly feel it’ll be pushed to the side. I’m afraid that if I tell them about what I’ve done this week- they will laugh and tease me.

The reality is, this happens sometimes, and sometimes not. I’m often tricked by the illusion that it will always go badly. After I’ve done something I was afraid of, I always look back and wonder where the emotion and the panic came from. I come out the other side alright.

I’m going to keep doing scary things. I’m going to continue being afraid until I am not anymore. At least that’s something right?


Love,

Lew


Photo by Sammie Vasquez on Unsplash

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