“Is it just me?”
I ask myself that question so frequently.
And It continually appears, most likely because I repeatedly struggle to understand the way some people are.
I’m open to understanding them. I want to understand why they are that way and work on forgiving them. But, at times, it can be so, so hard.
The people I’m thinking of are those who have often been my enemies; the condescending, mean, one-sided, nippy, ignorant, accepted ones. And yes- accepted. I envy how their whole lives have been filled with an abundance of acceptance; because they like the popular toxic things, because they’re hateful and judgemental. There’s more of them than there are of people like me, and that often equals unfairness; since majority usually wins, right?
Yet, then there’s the hypocrisy I speak:
Haven’t I been hateful before? I’ve certainly been judgemental. So, are we more alike than I often presume otherwise?
Yes, and that’s why allowances are needed in order for us to be fair and kind. They can be like “us” and we can be like them.
Mutable. Humans; you and I, are more than ‘this’ or ‘that’.
So, we are able to look within ourselves and see that we possess qualities we don’t like, and realise that we are just like those we tend to point at.
I plead with you, and myself, to make a habit of this more: to look within before judging.
Everyone does bad things: we would do well to remember that from a different point of view; we are their enemies too.
Here we are, spilling our thoughts and emotion,
Looking, I realise the necessity.
Sullen rain, rapid feet, pressure.
Here we were, searching the depths;
taking the steps toward meaning.
Looking out far, we see the stars;
they are not, they are not.
Worried, hopeful, brave;
that we are.
I thought about it this morning: How anger controls the person using it.
Throughout history, many have attempted to harness anger, yet they always fail. Anger is uncontrollable when you get to the upper echelons of anger. The arrogance involved in trying to harness anger is generated by a fatalistic choice for the easiest solution; push my way through. Those that lead with anger may be feel empowered by the anger they release, drawing from it as a source of presentable confidence. Though, when they cannot control it, it reveals its true nature, turning on the wielder. How do we engage using anger? By choosing to. If we do not choose to use anger then how can it ever be our enemy? Though, it will, despite our decisions. Everyone who exists, exhibits anger, therefore everyone at one point or another is conquered by it.
In my own experience I have used anger often as a child to control my environment. Not getting what I want? Anger. Not winning? Anger. Being unable to accept criticism? Anger. My point is, when anger is your answer to an issue; You do not resolve it. You only bring anger into the issue, possibly firing up the issue into an even bigger one. At times, anger feels as if it can work, but in my opinion; it is an illusion.
Fighting wars for example, what ALWAYS happens? PTSD and Guilt. To kill another is to harm yourself. If people were always viewed as people within wars, armies wouldn’t exist and neither would the wars.
A lot of people experience loneliness in my generation, and it’s ironic because we don’t need to send letters that take ages to arrive any-more. Objectively, we can be pretty lazy, but that doesn’t mean we’re all failures in this generation. Truly, every generation has failed in some way, sometimes through ignorance, sometimes hate and bigotry. We’ve all done bad things. From the beginning of time we’ve all failed in many ways. We’ve failed to realise our dreams, aspirations, expectations… we’ve all failed miserably.
That’s a sort of motivation: Everyone who has ever existed, has failed. We’ve all failed our families and friends, we’ve lacked the things we needed to succeed, but then gained them through failure. That is a point; how are we to truly learn, if we never reflect on our mistakes? We have so much in common with the people of the past. Sure, some folks in the past have been horrible but that just shows us that we’re not the first to mess up and be horrible.
Just imagine the scene of every possible death of the past 2000 years… what have we all done? We have all, done all. We have died hating each other and also loving each other. We have died to ourselves, our morals and values. Sometimes we reassess ourselves after it happens but sometimes we don’t; sometimes we arrogantly believe that we are in the right. That is humanity’s greatest enemy. We must practice self reflection and repentance if we are to improve on the past. Think about it, what if you lived your whole life, were about to draw that last breath and then…you realise; I was wrong. How could I have done that? How could I act that way? Is that me? What was I doing?? Peace in death is hard to come by, peace after death is a guarantee if you’re going to heaven and not hell. To get there, you believe in Jesus. I encourage you to do that. Peace right before death is a rarity and I don’t think we can prevent that. We should learn to accept that. To chase control is a fools attempt at peace. In conclusion I’d like to say: Acceptance and understanding lead to peace, not control.
Thanks for reading,
I haven’t posted since January so I thought I’d give a wee update.
I’m doing okay, corona lockdown has been going on in the UK for a bit and I’ve been using that time to spend time with friends and write stuff offline. Read books too. I’m reading through Ephesians in the Bible again and I read 1984 by George Orwell recently, I’m now on to Kafka on the Shore by Haruki Marukami. Practicing Keyboard has went well, I learned quite a few songs and I’m getting more natural at pressing keys. My animals have been alright, my little dog was very quiet for a few days and we we’re kinda worried about him. He seems to be back to his normal self. For the first time during the Covid Lockdown I’m going outside for a walk with the dogs. It’s sunny today so it’ll be a decent jaunt; hopefully no mud.
So I’ve not posted in a while and I’d just like to say I’m still continuing stuff on here, I was taking a break from trying to do so many things at once. Don’t think I’ll make any new videos on Youtube for a while now, lost the liking for it. I prefer writing. Oh and I begun a new story, it doesn’t have a name yet but it’s inspired by the lamp post outside my window and that’s all I’ll say.
Been nice to do a little update, thanks for reading and God be with you all.
I can’t do it alone. Live, that is. I need God and I need people. I need advice and I need kind words. I need things outwith myself, and that’s hard for me to accept at times. I wish away alot of things, that I didn’t need to eat to survive; that I didn’t have to experience hot and cold weather; or dry mouths and mucuos’y windpipes. Yet wishful thinking does nothing. Your thoughts can change you, but your thoughts alone cannot change reality. If thoughts alone could do, then we wouldn’t have books or schools. We spend pretty much all of our lives learning how to keep information in our brains and then figuring out how to get it back out, onto paper.
Not just I, but WE cannot do it alone. I’ve watched tons of films and shows and one of the most common plot points involves someone trying to do everything on their own. Through a survivor of the zombie apocalypse or as a single mum.
We need help. We all need help. To deny that is to neglect ourselves.
Father, I like to be unique and different. You know this.
I withdraw and isolate myself from others often and in a way I don’t want to belong, because I’m afraid I’d lose my identity if I did.
I think I need to accept the truth: I can still be unique and different even when I belong somewhere.
I feel alot of distance from others and at times I will accept that I do not belong and furthermore not try to. Though really, I do belong! I might be weird and shy and enjoy sadness but – I am someone you created and I am not a mistake. You make no mistakes, so certainly I cannot be one.
“Where did you go? Remember when we were little? You were so funny, you were so alive. Where did you go; did I tell you to go? Is that why you went? Did I say “I don’t need you” and throw you away? My first friend was you wasn’t it? There was a time when I told you to go, wasn’t there? Why do I forget that moment, yet feel the memory?”
“Are you here right now? What do you think?”
“It’s scary but maybe we can do it”
“I don’t know… don’t you want to escape too?”
“Yes I do, but what if we don’t belong there either?”
“Also, we can’t come back from there” -CS
“We can’t go.”
Twentieth of January, Two Thousand and Two
Father, how do I persevere? How can I keep going when there are so many doubts? I am experiencing a trial and I’m sure it is part of your plan but I can’t help but feel frustrated and alone. I know who I am but I struggle to deflect the accusations of the proud.
I used to ask “How do I change one’s mind?”. Now I know that there isn’t a way, I cannot change someone’s mind. I cannot soften or harden their hearts as you do, you are in power- not me. So I ask you, as I try again: please soften their hearts and give me a chance. The scowls of judgement stare me down and I am afraid. I cannot erase those scowls, so please Father… erase them for me.
Just as there are many doubts in my mind; there are many people who need your help. Help those that felt as I did: Alone and Afraid.
As Humans, by far, the thing we are most afraid of is death: when we and others cease to be. Please comfort those surrounded by death. Help them to see that death is actually a gift. For they would no longer be stuck in this corrupt world. To arrive in Heaven is greater than any pleasure on earth. Help them realise that truth
May your will be done, Lord God. May we stay loyal and keep your commandments.
Unable to escape the label,
Unable to find a place.
The next rejection will be soon;
I will not falter, I may seem dangerous to you
But I know myself, I am a good person.
You have the arrogance to judge me,
Yet lack the humility to see the truth beyond your prejudices.
I am more than a label, just as you are more than a judge.