A Post for Suicide Prevention Day

Right, so. I’ve told my story before, kinda. I wrote a little bit about it on Facebook a few years ago. I tagged it under “Has Overcame”. Honestly, that was not the truth, I hadn’t overcome depression and suicidal ideation, I guess I just felt brave that day and wanted to express that I even was struggling, nonetheless; I did make progress, I was at a point where I knew my issues, my temptations, my ideation, my wishes for death and non-existence. I knew where they sorta came from, I knew how I could help it in some ways.

Though, In no way did I overcome suicidal ideation. I was less of that label ” a suicidal young guy” but I was still suicidal, for years later even. Three years ago I hit another big dive into the world of fear, regret and self- hatred once again. That’s why I say (looking back now) I didn’t overcome it, the horrible grip still had a hold on me.

These past few years have been frustrating, utterly boring, lonely and hopeless at times yet also eye-opening, introspective, healing and hopeful. I have learned and I have shown my imperfections. Imperfection is something I will probably always struggle with, it’s not really OCD. It’s less about the alignment of objects in a straight line and more about the alignment of my current self and ideal self. I want to be perfect, I really do. Though everything is telling me that it isn’t possible (on earth at least). I nod yes and say that I understand that I can’t be perfect but truly, I don’t quite get it completely. I mean, life to me has always been about being better, reaching that ideal self. I used to be excellent at maths, therefore I set the goal of eventually becoming some sort of genius scientist or something. Then, I got crap at maths, I got crap at putting effort in, I got crap at getting out of my bed, I got crap at managing my emotions. So I withdrew.

I was so bad at everything, so why not withdraw and save myself from the embarassment? Sounded good to me. To a Me that, above all, wanted to escape the absolute horror that I wasn’t all that. I wasn’t the smartest in highschool. I wasn’t the coolest (hah teenager ideals), I wasn’t the funniest. I really did miss the point back then, I was chasing acceptance so that in turn I would receive happiness. Hah. I really was quite the dafty.

I can’t be accepted by everyone, just like Jesus, just like all those famous folk who used to be viewed at “fully accepted”. I honestly love it when famous people who are glorified for their works end up being revealed at not so perfect and glorious. I love it because every time it happens, there’s an influx of people that realise; oh my, the illusion was fake.

The absolute fact that many people realise that and learn from it, truly makes me happy. It’s not always that the people viewed as perfect actually view themselves as perfect, it’s more so the audience that observes the life of that person.

Tangent Time is over though, pretty funny how distracted I can get. Anyway. My struggles and such in relation to the World Suicide Prevention Day; It’s been what it’s been. It will always be a struggle for certain individuals to continue living and resisting the temptation of suicide, for generations.

My advice for the future to take in yourself or pass on is:

  • People may be viewed as great, but there is always another side. People may be viewed as terrible, but there is always another side.
  • Withdrawing from life may seem relieving, but would it be? What about the things you couldn’t do if you were gone?
  • Others at times will act like they know you; like they understand your every intention. That at times is not true. You define you, others not.
  • It may seem like you don’t matter, based on the view of others, but you do! Answer that question yourself; Am I worth anything…? “YES I AM.”

I am me, you are you. We coexist as the sun and moon do.

Exist with me. We can survive together.



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God is watching over us all

We do not know our true fate, but God does.

Things we expect to happen, may not happen. That these things do not happen is not the end for us. God is watching us go through our stories, we may be anxious and afraid of the days ahead and it may be scary that we do not know what will happen in the future of our lives; but God knows the paths ahead. We can trust that he has good things waiting for us.

Expectations destroy happiness, but acceptance and trust in the Lord lead to happiness.

Much love,


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Face the fear

To sorta “uneclipse” the post from yesterday, today I’m going to bring the sun back out.

My eyes have opened today (along with the sun). Enough with suppressing my personality, who I am and what I’d like to say.

A life lived with my personality in a cage is not worth living.

I’m actually really happy today because my personality is out and it was a little bit yesterday (evidence is on my instagram stories).

Let me say to you, if you have clicked and are reading this line I’m typing right now, your true self is to be celebrated. Express yourself. Be you.

I’ve spent so much of my young life denying myself to please others. After this sort of “awakening” you may dislike me or like me even more. To that I say, go for it man. Compliment or insult me.

Oh man, I don’t want to end on a serious note so..

did you know that: not only do bees have five eyes, they have two stomachs. One’s for food and the other’s for carrying nectar collected from flowers back to the hive.

-Google Assistant

Cheers for reading,



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I need to let some things out

I’ve been struggling as usual, and it never seems to end.

When I come to writing things down I always feel I have to justify my feelings or thoughts first, let’s skip that part.

This is what I think everyone knows:

I’m shy. Everyone knows I forget everything. They know I’m clumsy, sometimes a bit aloof and usually tapping my right leg. That I’m not reliable. That I don’t get out much and don’t have many friends my age. That I often don’t feel comfortable. That I’m a creative person. That I should be avoided.

Yes I’m paranoid. I am, I truly am paranoid.

I’m constantly afraid of what everyone is thinking. Constantly aware of every stutter and every awkward leg movement I make. I’m aware that I’m paranoid.

I don’t know what to say, but.. I don’t trust people very easily. I’m afraid they’re going to be disappointed in me. I’m afraid that if I tell them how I truly feel it’ll be pushed to the side. I’m afraid that if I tell them about what I’ve done this week- they will laugh and tease me.

The reality is, this happens sometimes, and sometimes not. I’m often tricked by the illusion that it will always go badly. After I’ve done something I was afraid of, I always look back and wonder where the emotion and the panic came from. I come out the other side alright.

I’m going to keep doing scary things. I’m going to continue being afraid until I am not anymore. At least that’s something right?



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What I’ve Learned from The Father, The Son and The Holy Spirit.

Jesus Christ is my unbreakable rock, my great protector, my great forgiver, my great Savior and Lord.

Ever since I have chosen the path to follow him, I have learned much.

Now.. some of you may not be believers but I hope and pray that this post may draw you near to Him. From simply reading his name, you have a seed, he wants to help you water it.

Now let us begin.


Good is better than Evil.

We all have done evil, but that’s alright. We all fall short of God’s glorious standard. I’ve learned from God that we must turn from it. We must turn from evil, and turn to good if we are to fully enjoy our lives and fulfill our purpose. We were created to do good! Not to do evil! We all grow up living in sin. That’s a given, but we don’t need to live in it today. We may have grown up not listening to our mothers, cursing our friends and ignoring the opportunities to do good. Now that we are in Christ, we can fight that evil, knowing that He is here with us!

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.”

– John 15:12

“Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.”

– 2 Timothy 2:22


Humans disappoint, Christ doesn’t.

Jesus is like no other. God-man. He rose from the dead. He healed people just like us. He taught. He won against sin.

Death? Not a problem for him. Satan? Not a problem. Us? He has the power to wipe us all out, but he doesn’t. Have you ever walked across water? I definitely tried as a child… HE CAN. Being a Christian doesn’t make us walk on water, but it does equip us to fight against evil. The evil within us and around us.

“These will wage war against the Lamb, and the Lamb will overcome them, because He is Lord of lords and King of kings, and those who are with Him are the called and chosen and faithful.”

– Revelation 17:14


He frees us from fear

Fear is a very powerful emotion but when the people in the Bible trust in God, He protects them, loves them and watches over them!

Jesus said: “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

– Matthew 19:26

Have you ever heard of David and Goliath?

David was “a man after the Lord’s own heart” and a humble Sheperd. He trusted in God many times and therefore won against his enemies. Even the intimidating Goliath, who was a 9ft tall champion of the Philistines, was no match for David when God was in the equation.

David told Saul “I’ll go fight him!”

“Don’t be ridiculous!” Saul replied.

“Reaching into his shepherd’s bag and taking out a stone, he hurled it with his sling and hit the Philistine in the forehead. The stone sank in, and Goliath stumbled and fell face down on the ground. So David triumphed over the Philistine with only a sling and a stone, for he had no sword.”

– 1 Samuel 17:49-50

What? Really?



God loves us

Jesus speaks so, so much about how much God loves us, about how we are more valuable to him than a flock of sparrows. How we are his people and that he watches over us everyday. We are more than we think we are, we may imagine that he looks at us like ants to him from his view in Heaven but he does not. We are made in our father’s image, and we are not simply a number.

“Beloved, let us love one another, for love is from God, and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God.  Anyone who does not love does not know God, because God is love.”
1 John 4:7-8


God forgives us

Of all we have ever done to upset him, he has forgiven these offenses, he has forgiven you and I. Praise God for his forgiveness! Think of all the things we have ever done, be it you or someone you know. He forgives us all. He defeats those who reject him and shelters those who love him. We are truly so fortunate to have such a loving God!

“To the Lord our God belong mercy and forgiveness, for we have rebelled against him.”

– Daniel 9:9

“Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.

– Ephesians 4:32


We have second chances

God gives us many chances. We must forgive each other just as he has forgave us. Often, we fail. We are not without fault. Nobody is, even those with the kindest of hearts.

But, praise Christ! For he is what we are not. He is the only one without fault. He does not look down on us like a domineering boss or a proud and arrogant man. He reaches down and offers us his hand. We may be at fault, but Jesus loves us nonetheless.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother who sins against me? Up to seven times?”

Jesus answered, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy seven times!”

– Matthew 18:21-22


Jesus heals

I could mention all of the things I’ve heard, but in truth; I have a very bad memory. So I’ll summarize.

God does heal. You’ve probably heard “some daft things” from the followers of Christ. I once thought they were daft stories made up just to encourage me to pray for others, but they are not daft wee stories. They are real. When I was born, I had a wonky heart valve. I was not expected to live through it, and there were many times I went into surgery with my mother’s eyes looking on to me with a look of “Will this be the one that fails?”.

My Mother and Gran prayed, and Jesus healed me.

Throughout the New Testament, Jesus heals so many people. I am one of those people, among many, that have been healed today. Christ is still with us and he still heals.

When He went ashore, He saw a large crowd, and felt compassion for them and healed their sick.

– Matthew 14:14

I’ll be honest, I’m so afraid to post this. Primarily because it’s my first piece on my beliefs. I often worry that I won’t please everyone with my words, but as I listen to Christ. I know this is enough. I have done a good job.

Thank you for reading. Thank you for being you, and carrying on.

May God bless you,


Why you should try reading books

Everyone reads to some extent, we read because we crave and need information.

Maybe it’s a political thing, a novel to relate to, a book on sleep, a First Aid manual, a Best Movies of 2019 list or a study on why something works. Alternatively, you can gather information through people on TV, but I prefer reading and I’ll tell you why you should give it a try.

0. Books have stopped bullets.

They don’t actually. I jokingly believed this until I researched it. Basically, books aren’t thick enough. There is that one famous American guy, that got shot and a book prevented the bullet from killing him. Though… he probably made that up.

1. Reading books helps loneliness.

I struggle with loneliness very much, I’ve always felt quite alone despite having people around me. Books always helped, books helped me learn in school, but at home they let me be someone else! or be somewhere else! How cool! I’ve always been obsessed with Star Wars and wow.. I don’t know where I’d be or who I’d be without it.

“19% of readers say that reading stops them from feeling lonely. This is backed up by a study analysing social connectedness which found that reading books significantly reduces feelings of loneliness for people aged 18-64.” R’1

2. Mental Health Benefits

Reading for pleasure combats stress and depression, imagine that! Ask your doctor for a book next time you visit.

“An online poll of over four thousand people from a representative sample in the UK revealed that regular readers for pleasure reported fewer feelings of stress and depression than non-readers, and stronger feelings of relaxation from reading than from watching television or engaging with technology intensive activities.” R’2

3. Empathy

Studies have found that people who read a lot are more disposed to charity work than those who barely read at all. It’s interesting because they don’t have an answer for why this is. My guess is that reading about other’s experiences triggers that caring part inside all of us and then they motivates us to help others.

“Studies have found that reading for pleasure enhances empathy, understanding of the self, and the ability to understand one’s own and others’ identities.” R’3

Thank you all for reading, take much care and may God bless you.

– Lewis

Photo by Anton Darius | @theSollers on Unsplash


1. [Hilhorst, S, et al. (2018) A Society of Readers Demos p. 12]

2. and 3. [Billington, J, (2015) Reading between the Lines: the Benefits of Reading for Pleasure Quick Reads, University of Liverpool]

Seeking Perfection

Do you ever have those days where you do basically nothing productive?

You want to do productive things, you want to work on yourself or your projects but you can’t stop thinking about it, instead of just doing it?

I have those days pretty much every day.

2-3 weeks ago I was so prepared to make at least 1 Youtube video and 1 blog post every week.

1 week went by…

“Oh, I haven’t done a video this week, let alone a post on my blog, wow what a surprise, of course, I didn’t because I’m an inconsistent piece of shit”

Another week went by, then I said to myself…

“I’ll do it this week. On Thursday.”

A couple of days go by…

“Oh I’ll do it Friday, I’ve been doing a lot today.”

Now I’m at the point where I’m saying…

“Tomorrow, Monday. Defs going to post something, at last. I’ll do a video on Wednesday or something.”

Now I might do a video on Wednesday.

Though I AM posting this today, Sunday.

I was going to pressure myself into doing a post on Jesus and how incomparable he is, who he is to me and why he saved my life. But I’m not ready. I care a lot about telling people about Jesus, so I will take my time, I want to make it right and not rush it.

To be quite honest, the past few weeks I’ve been putting myself down about my blog and my Youtube.

I’ve been seeking perfection and beating myself up for not reaching it. I’m well aware perfection isn’t possible but I have been in the habit for years; of seeking perfection, seeking it and failing, again and again. Mostly because of the ridiculous expectations I have a habit of putting on myself.

I could say on this post that “This is the end of that, let’s just write stuff and not care.” but honestly, it isn’t that easy.

Habits are hard to break, this habit of mine is breaking but I need to remember that I’m trying my best. I’m not perfect. Not like Him, not like Jesus. I think accepting that, is my ultimate challenge.

A constant challenge, but a worthwhile challenge.

Y’know…I started these creative outlets: To influence people in many positive ways and to show my vulnerability and honesty to the sort of people I’ve been fearing ever since High School. I had many chances to fight against my bullies, I didn’t, because mercy is greater than pride. Than bravado, who’s manlier, who’s cooler or who’s superior. I did not fight back, some see that as a weakness, I see that as a strength. Do you know how hard it is to hold yourself back? Hold back the anger? The desire for revenge? It is so, so strong.

But mercy is stronger, kindness is stronger, forgiveness is stronger.

I am not afraid. Not anymore. I HAVE talent, I HAVE a great personality, I AM SMART.

I don’t care about their judgements anymore, because I have grown up and left them behind. Left behind their lies.

Thank you for reading and God bless you,


– also take care

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Being Ourselves

How can we be ourselves?

“Just be yourself maaaan, chill out.” A voice from the left ear whispers.

“Heh? So I just be myself?” I reply with rolling eyes.

“Well alright. This was a short post, thanks for reading, take care everyo-”

Sorry but.. no. That’s hardly an answer. Firstly, how can we be ourselves if we don’t know ourselves? Let’s get to know ourselves!

I’d recommend taking a personality test but then this post wouldn’t really be a post, but an advertisement for 16personalities.com. Though… check it out! The results are pretty interesting.

Here’s what I think: To know ourselves we must, above all: be honest.

What are we not so good at? Drawing, handling conflict, cleaning, socialising?

What are we good at? Hmm.. I’d say I’m good at being open-minded. How about you?

Are you good at the things I’m bad at? Such as talking in public? Using makeup?

So.. What do we prefer? Books or movies? Talking or listening? Both?

I like listening.

Do you focus on winning or simply doing your best? Are you hard on yourself like I am or do you treat yourself well and soften the criticisms?

What do we value? Honesty, Justice, Perseverance?

Me? I’m a big honesty kinda guy.

People often ask: Cats or Dogs, but how about Animals or Humans? This may be an easy question or hard question for you, I don’t even have an answer, it’s that hard for me. Maybe I’ll discuss it another time.

How about Animals? Which ones? I’m a big fan of dolphins.

How about Humans? Be Honest. The humans I don’t like the most are the arrogant ones, all talk, no show.

How about you?

Now, being us? How’d we do that?

I’d say by acknowledging the answers to these questions, accepting them and going forward with them in mind: Confident that we are truly being who we are, not who people pressure us to be. Facing the fear and being ourselves anyway.

Ultimately, these things we dislike, value, prefer, excel at: Define us.

Who are we without a crowd? Who are we truly?

This has been another post. A post on Being Ourselves.

Thank you all from the deepest depths of my heart, for listening and learning.

Take Care.



Know Thyself

We are all capable of evil; a snide comment, a smack with a bat, a beheading with a sword, an attitude of “I am better! Better than them all! Even God.”

Humans have existed for a very long time. Look to history and you will see the terror we can inflict, be it on fellow humans or.. animals. I believe everyone has a deep, deep evil within them, even the kindest folk. I thought I was blameless, I was so wrong, so arrogant, so evil. In realizing that evil within me, I asked “Who am I? Who was I? Who will I be?”

Thing is, answers are really hard to find when they concern your identity and purpose.

How can you truly know yourself?

Best guidance I can give is,

Test yourself.

How do you react to abuse?

Do you hit back or do you forgive?

How do you look at your mistakes and failures?

Do you attack yourself or do you forgive yourself?

Do you apply pressure on yourself and others?

Do you listen to yourself and others?

Do you disregard the criticisms of yourself and others?

Do WE fight amongst ourselves?

If so, why?





Lack of Forgiveness?

Lack of Patience?

Lack of Empathy?

Lack of Calm?

Ask yourself these things and really think about it. In my journey coming through depression, I’ve asked myself these things tons, you may have aswell.

Ask again.



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I spent so much time crying as a child, some pretty normal times and some strange times, like when I forgot to bring a pencil to school.

Fear and Crying go hand in hand, atleast for me.

I couldn’t control my crying even up till the age of 15, I felt like a broken human, I’d cry over the slightest things and others in the class would wonder what was the big deal? Think “crybaby, you’re in highschool now so you shouldn’t be crying, it’s not that bad, I was only joking”

As I am now, I realise I was trained by the folk around me to repress my emotions and it distressed me greatly.. who I was then and who I am now are different, I’m crying again and it’s great. Yesterday at this time (1pm) I sat down during worship and cried my eyes out. I was pondering on the feelings of abandonment I had growing up.

I always felt like I was missing something everyone else had. I desperately searched for meaning in everything. In why someone insulted me, in why I cried so much, In why I was born with a heart problem. I didn’t find out everything despite all the searching, because I was searching in the wrong places. I looked to the wrong people to find the answer.

I did find out why I cried and why folk insulted me in general when I was going through counselling in 2013, she used CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) It helped. Yet I still felt that missing part of knowledge. How did the others not cry? What am I missing?

The thing is, not everyone uses the same strategy to ease and understand themselves. I tried to copy the strategy of others and It got me nowhere, because I needed my own strategy, not just an imitation of someone else’s.

Honestly, I am a big baby. I’m so ridiculously sensitive and there was some truth in those insults. I’m really emotional, I couldn’t control the outbursts. Now I can, but at the sacrifice of hardly expressing myself. The memories I have of me crying infront of everyone torment me at times, that’s when my strategy emerges.

I Spend time alone with God.

It works. I express everything to him, and practice doing it with others.

It works, for me.

Take much care.



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