Right, so. I’ve told my story before, kinda. I wrote a little bit about it on Facebook a few years ago. I tagged it under “Has Overcame”. Honestly, that was not the truth, I hadn’t overcome depression and suicidal ideation, I guess I just felt brave that day and wanted to express that I even was struggling, nonetheless; I did make progress, I was at a point where I knew my issues, my temptations, my ideation, my wishes for death and non-existence. I knew where they sorta came from, I knew how I could help it in some ways.
Though, In no way did I overcome suicidal ideation. I was less of that label ” a suicidal young guy” but I was still suicidal, for years later even. Three years ago I hit another big dive into the world of fear, regret and self- hatred once again. That’s why I say (looking back now) I didn’t overcome it, the horrible grip still had a hold on me.
These past few years have been frustrating, utterly boring, lonely and hopeless at times yet also eye-opening, introspective, healing and hopeful. I have learned and I have shown my imperfections. Imperfection is something I will probably always struggle with, it’s not really OCD. It’s less about the alignment of objects in a straight line and more about the alignment of my current self and ideal self. I want to be perfect, I really do. Though everything is telling me that it isn’t possible (on earth at least). I nod yes and say that I understand that I can’t be perfect but truly, I don’t quite get it completely. I mean, life to me has always been about being better, reaching that ideal self. I used to be excellent at maths, therefore I set the goal of eventually becoming some sort of genius scientist or something. Then, I got crap at maths, I got crap at putting effort in, I got crap at getting out of my bed, I got crap at managing my emotions. So I withdrew.
I was so bad at everything, so why not withdraw and save myself from the embarassment? Sounded good to me. To a Me that, above all, wanted to escape the absolute horror that I wasn’t all that. I wasn’t the smartest in highschool. I wasn’t the coolest (hah teenager ideals), I wasn’t the funniest. I really did miss the point back then, I was chasing acceptance so that in turn I would receive happiness. Hah. I really was quite the dafty.
I can’t be accepted by everyone, just like Jesus, just like all those famous folk who used to be viewed at “fully accepted”. I honestly love it when famous people who are glorified for their works end up being revealed at not so perfect and glorious. I love it because every time it happens, there’s an influx of people that realise; oh my, the illusion was fake.
The absolute fact that many people realise that and learn from it, truly makes me happy. It’s not always that the people viewed as perfect actually view themselves as perfect, it’s more so the audience that observes the life of that person.
Tangent Time is over though, pretty funny how distracted I can get. Anyway. My struggles and such in relation to the World Suicide Prevention Day; It’s been what it’s been. It will always be a struggle for certain individuals to continue living and resisting the temptation of suicide, for generations.
My advice for the future to take in yourself or pass on is:
- People may be viewed as great, but there is always another side. People may be viewed as terrible, but there is always another side.
- Withdrawing from life may seem relieving, but would it be? What about the things you couldn’t do if you were gone?
- Others at times will act like they know you; like they understand your every intention. That at times is not true. You define you, others not.
- It may seem like you don’t matter, based on the view of others, but you do! Answer that question yourself; Am I worth anything…? “YES I AM.”
I am me, you are you. We coexist as the sun and moon do.
Exist with me. We can survive together.