Written Prayer #2

Twentieth of January, Two Thousand and Two

Father, how do I persevere? How can I keep going when there are so many doubts? I am experiencing a trial and I’m sure it is part of your plan but I can’t help but feel frustrated and alone. I know who I am but I struggle to deflect the accusations of the proud.

I used to ask “How do I change one’s mind?”. Now I know that there isn’t a way, I cannot change someone’s mind. I cannot soften or harden their hearts as you do, you are in power- not me. So I ask you, as I try again: please soften their hearts and give me a chance. The scowls of judgement stare me down and I am afraid. I cannot erase those scowls, so please Father… erase them for me.

Just as there are many doubts in my mind; there are many people who need your help. Help those that felt as I did: Alone and Afraid.

As Humans, by far, the thing we are most afraid of is death: when we and others cease to be. Please comfort those surrounded by death. Help them to see that death is actually a gift. For they would no longer be stuck in this corrupt world. To arrive in Heaven is greater than any pleasure on earth. Help them realise that truth

May your will be done, Lord God. May we stay loyal and keep your commandments.

Amen.

More than this

Unable to escape the label, 
Unable to find a place.
The next rejection will be soon;
I will not falter, I may seem dangerous to you
But I know myself, I am a good person.
You have the arrogance to judge me,
Yet lack the humility to see the truth beyond your prejudices.
I am more than a label, just as you are more than a judge.

Written Prayer #1

Sixth of January, Two Thousand and Twenty


Father, I open this prayer with thanks for your guidance and assurance.

When I worry and feel that the world is ending again – you come through and calm me down. As I sit here I recall the times I have let you down and with those times in mind – I am sorry Father. Thank you for your mercy on me and the entire human race. We behave so poorly with our little evil hearts. In my opinion, you should destroy us for we don’t deserve anything you give us. I am happy to die whenever you may will it- if it’s in 60 years; I will live till then. If it’s tommorow; I will breathe till then.

For now, be with me, be with me as I read your words; as I read your story. Praise God, for we are here despite our faults.

I have been given a second chance, so please: help me to live the life you have prepared for me. Amen.


Thank you for reading,

Lew

Reflecting on the Habit of People Pleasing

So, I decided to make this post due to a habit I have that I want to address. I seek to please others; often disregarding my own health.


I anxiously avoid disappointing anyone, constantly.

I feel extreme shame and guilt for being absent from an event I’ve been invited to. I hate to say no. I like helping and supporting people (I always will) but I can’t do everything. I really should be admitting to that instead of guilt tripping myself for not being there for everyone.

Shame is a very strong feeling and I feel it way too much.

I feel it most when:

  • I let someone down because I don’t attend something they think I should go to.
  • Someone is disappointed in me because I don’t do what they want me to do.

That’s when it comes shooting in, right through my body and soul.
I start thinking: “I should feel horrible because I let down their expectations”.

Truly though, just because someone has expectations for me doesn’t mean I should reach them. I’m not condemning people who do this. I want to say: it hurts us both. Let go. My life is not your life. I understand the empathy and I thank you for that but don’t make me feel bad for ignoring what you want me to do.

There’s a line that people cross alot: the line of Care vs Manipulation.

Caring is a great thing but when you cross that line and it morphs into manipulation? Stop. They can make mistakes and you can watch. That’s healthy. Judging everything someone does and meanly inserting your own strategy into the situation? That’s abuse. You may know the best course of action if it was you, but you aren’t living their life; how can you sit there and act like you know what living their life is like?

What is freedom if we cannot make our own choices without feeling awful about it? Constantly afraid of the expectations of others? We tend to judge people all the time and I’m not saying that you’ve to be perfect or never judge again. I’m saying: Don’t let it cross that line.


Thank you for reading! Have a nice afternoon!

Love,

Lew


Photo by Noah Buscher on Unsplash

04/01/2020

I’d rather write this in my physical journal but I don’t tend to do posts on mobile and I’d like to. I tell myself alot that I can only post if it’s refined and extremely checked over but it’ll be healthy that I just post something very raw and this is going to be one of them.

So what’s on my mind? Someone fell downstairs today and it was the first thing I heard when I woke up. I thought about how strange it is that accidents happen all the time and later on I was listening to a podcast and the guy had the same thought. He was talking about transportation accidents. I’m learning how to drive and it’s a scary thing to learn when it’s a fact that most deaths are by car, I mean; what if that’s going to be me at some point?

Anyway, it’s night time, this doesn’t seem good enough to post and I’m tired BUT I will post it anyway. Take care. Read a book before bed, it helps me sleep so it’ll probably help you? Bye bye

Reflective

There was a robot, a robot who in some ways was beautiful and in other ways, not so much. He wore nothing but his reflective white coating, reminicent of the shiny shell of an egg. He was alone for a very long time. The robot wanted to give up, he struggled to see positives in himself.

One day he met a man, a human. Though this man was not all skin and bones, he possessed a mechanical heart and left arm. He wore clothes as humans did. The Stylish jeans and baggy jumper hid his own reflective coating on his mechanical arm, yet his was black. In contrast to his African American skin tone he looked a little odd… as the shade of black was darker than his human skin. He seemed friendly, yet rough and battered by life.

The robot’s processors ran at full speed but to no avail. He couldn’t figure out if this man was friendly, so he backed away and avoided eye contact.

The End of the World

The Future. The End. The Omega.
It is inevitable, but when?
10 years? 4 thousand? Tommorow? Tonight?
Nobody knows.
If the World ended today, what would we have to say?
Did we do good?

Simul

Silently sitting, yet chaos in the mind.
Chaotically running, yet calm in the mind.
How strange we are, with our minds and bodies.
Sometimes thinking, sometimes sitting.
Sometimes running, away from ourselves.