Do you ever have those days where you do basically nothing productive?
You want to do productive things, you want to work on yourself or your projects but you can’t stop thinking about it, instead of just doing it?
I have those days pretty much every day.
2-3 weeks ago I was so prepared to make at least 1 Youtube video and 1 blog post every week.
1 week went by…
“Oh, I haven’t done a video this week, let alone a post on my blog, wow what a surprise, of course, I didn’t because I’m an inconsistent piece of shit”
Another week went by, then I said to myself…
“I’ll do it this week. On Thursday.”
A couple of days go by…
“Oh I’ll do it Friday, I’ve been doing a lot today.”
Now I’m at the point where I’m saying…
“Tomorrow, Monday. Defs going to post something, at last. I’ll do a video on Wednesday or something.”
Now I might do a video on Wednesday.
Though I AM posting this today, Sunday.
I was going to pressure myself into doing a post on Jesus and how incomparable he is, who he is to me and why he saved my life. But I’m not ready. I care a lot about telling people about Jesus, so I will take my time, I want to make it right and not rush it.
To be quite honest, the past few weeks I’ve been putting myself down about my blog and my Youtube.
I’ve been seeking perfection and beating myself up for not reaching it. I’m well aware perfection isn’t possible but I have been in the habit for years; of seeking perfection, seeking it and failing, again and again. Mostly because of the ridiculous expectations I have a habit of putting on myself.
I could say on this post that “This is the end of that, let’s just write stuff and not care.” but honestly, it isn’t that easy.
Habits are hard to break, this habit of mine is breaking but I need to remember that I’m trying my best. I’m not perfect. Not like Him, not like Jesus. I think accepting that, is my ultimate challenge.
A constant challenge, but a worthwhile challenge.
Y’know…I started these creative outlets: To influence people in many positive ways and to show my vulnerability and honesty to the sort of people I’ve been fearing ever since High School. I had many chances to fight against my bullies, I didn’t, because mercy is greater than pride. Than bravado, who’s manlier, who’s cooler or who’s superior. I did not fight back, some see that as a weakness, I see that as a strength. Do you know how hard it is to hold yourself back? Hold back the anger? The desire for revenge? It is so, so strong.
But mercy is stronger, kindness is stronger, forgiveness is stronger.
I am not afraid. Not anymore. I HAVE talent, I HAVE a great personality, I AM SMART.
I don’t care about their judgements anymore, because I have grown up and left them behind. Left behind their lies.