I’m afraid to do this one but just like the title of a book I read last year, I will “Face the Fear and Do it Anyway”.
I was talking with a friend today and the conversation encouraged me to regain my focus on what I want to do.
What I want to do is live, improve and cease dwelling on the past. I want to be an amazing writer. I want to drive. I want to learn more, I want to trust God’s plans for my life.
My friend told me a story about how he didn’t want a job he was offered; he thought he would hate it, that it would be pointless. He took that job and years later loves that job. He got 2 degrees and makes enough money to support his family and more. Y’ see, Fear is seductive in telling us that the opportunities we are offered are not good enough for us. If someone told me that they got me a season ticket for all the Rangers FC games next year I’d probably give it to someone else.
“Football isn’t *my* thing, why would I want to watch that?” I would say.
Our arrogance prevents us from discovering people, hobbies and items that we may love further down the line. God, the bible, church and all that was that kinda thing for me, “Church? I’m terrible at socialising, nobody likes me and I’ll never be good enough for God” Look where I am now: I now know a lot of the people in my church, I socialize pretty well and people DO like me. Yet back then I thought I knew the outcome.
We don’t know everything and it’s a scary fact for me to face that we aren’t all-knowing like God is. From our perspectives, things are most certainly “this or that, right or wrong”. Though honestly, do we have the cheek to say that we know what’s best for us? We do, and that’s forgivable. We work with what we know, so of course, we’re going to fail at predicting “Where we will be in 5 years time.” God knows. That’s probably the only thing I know for absolute certain. I have no clue what will happen in 5 years. A friend mentioned how ridiculous the prospect of having a 10-year plan is.
“Not everything goes to plan.” He said
4 years ago I thought I’d be in University and working in the care industry. Though really, how wrong was I? It’s amazing that our next big mistake could be tomorrow and we wouldn’t even know until it happened. Uncertainty in some regard is a given. I’ve tried to be certain of everything… it’s really hard! I used to think I was like the nicest person ever, ha… how stupidly arrogant was I to think I’d never do an evil thing? Very. I’ve been resentful towards my old self because I knew every mistake the Past Me has made and wish he done better, you could even say I hated Past Lewis.
“Why did you do that you absolute daftie!? Are you stupid? You’re the reason I’m here now and I hate you for it!”
Hating yourself, I have been doing that for a long, long time. It feels like a betrayal, I trusted myself and I let myself down. I betrayed my values.
In my mind, there are many iterations of Lewis; the cheeky, the crybaby, the immature, the angry, the failure, the kind, the sensitive, the caring, the smart, the unforgiving, the creative, the dramatic, the quiet – one.
Those are 13 ones, but they don’t add up to 13. They add up to 1.
They are all me. They are all one.
and… I forgive them.
Thanks for reading, have a lovely new year.