I’ve been struggling as usual, and it never seems to end.
When I come to writing things down I always feel I have to justify my feelings or thoughts first, let’s skip that part.
This is what I think everyone knows:
I’m shy. Everyone knows I forget everything. They know I’m clumsy, sometimes a bit aloof and usually tapping my right leg. That I’m not reliable. That I don’t get out much and don’t have many friends my age. That I often don’t feel comfortable. That I’m a creative person. That I should be avoided.
Yes I’m paranoid. I am, I truly am paranoid.
I’m constantly afraid of what everyone is thinking. Constantly aware of every stutter and every awkward leg movement I make. I’m aware that I’m paranoid.
I don’t know what to say, but.. I don’t trust people very easily. I’m afraid they’re going to be disappointed in me. I’m afraid that if I tell them how I truly feel it’ll be pushed to the side. I’m afraid that if I tell them about what I’ve done this week- they will laugh and tease me.
The reality is, this happens sometimes, and sometimes not. I’m often tricked by the illusion that it will always go badly. After I’ve done something I was afraid of, I always look back and wonder where the emotion and the panic came from. I come out the other side alright.
I’m going to keep doing scary things. I’m going to continue being afraid until I am not anymore. At least that’s something right?
Moods are strange, very strange in my experience, I can’t quite grasp them.
As I’m writing this, I have many thoughts about how lackluster I may be, how boring my writing looks, even when it looked fine yesterday.
This isn’t an informative post so I won’t bother listing all the mood disorders. I will list the absolute shitty things in life though. Like, thinking you’re okay when you realise 4 seconds later you’re not. The most debilitating thing for me, is when I lose control, when my thoughts seem almost hostile, like they’re out to get me. Like proton torpedoes homing in on Anakin Skywalker when he’s piloting his star-fighter. Yet, they are my thoughts. Why would someone attack themselves? Why would someone kill themselves?
“If you can’t control, maybe you should escape”
Says the animal mind.
Killing yourself isn’t really escaping though, right? Anakin dodges them and continues fighting the good fight, he doesn’t kill himself. It’s kinda more like being caught. Being caught by all those hostile thoughts/torpedoes homing in, and no longer existing.
Reading through the Tao Te Ching, a collection of Chinese philosophical poems and verses about The Way, it’s a very old book.
I realised something, Humans aren’t mindful compared to Animals, and we’re straying further from being mindful. Especially with all these technological things around us, technology is made by nature since.. we are nature birthed by it.. right? I’m not sure.
When I say that “Humans aren’t mindful compared to Animals”
I mean that there’s something animals naturally grasp better than us, Mindfulness.
A squirrel stores nuts for the winter.
Does the squirrel plan this out? Does the squirrel write down their plan, then when the day comes they act it out? No. They JUST DO IT. Acting. They just act. Naturally. Not forcefully. Naturally. It’s amazing, It’s why I admire animals so much.
They can find peace so easily it seems, but animals do have their troubles as well. Just as we do.
This is my first ever post. I hope you enjoyed it. I enjoyed writing it.