I need to let some things out

I’ve been struggling as usual, and it never seems to end.

When I come to writing things down I always feel I have to justify my feelings or thoughts first, let’s skip that part.


This is what I think everyone knows:

I’m shy. Everyone knows I forget everything. They know I’m clumsy, sometimes a bit aloof and usually tapping my right leg. That I’m not reliable. That I don’t get out much and don’t have many friends my age. That I often don’t feel comfortable. That I’m a creative person. That I should be avoided.

Yes I’m paranoid. I am, I truly am paranoid.

I’m constantly afraid of what everyone is thinking. Constantly aware of every stutter and every awkward leg movement I make. I’m aware that I’m paranoid.

I don’t know what to say, but.. I don’t trust people very easily. I’m afraid they’re going to be disappointed in me. I’m afraid that if I tell them how I truly feel it’ll be pushed to the side. I’m afraid that if I tell them about what I’ve done this week- they will laugh and tease me.

The reality is, this happens sometimes, and sometimes not. I’m often tricked by the illusion that it will always go badly. After I’ve done something I was afraid of, I always look back and wonder where the emotion and the panic came from. I come out the other side alright.

I’m going to keep doing scary things. I’m going to continue being afraid until I am not anymore. At least that’s something right?


Love,

Lew


Photo by Sammie Vasquez on Unsplash

I’m the kind of person who ____

Would rather go to a pub for the elderly than a disco.

Would rather listen to beautiful music rather than motivational music.

Dresses like they’re poor.

Pursues authenticity at every chance.

Imagines terrible scenarios that end up not happening.

Is their own enemy

Denies they have a ginger beard.

Prioritises escapism.

Thinks more, does less.

Is intrigued by the duality of Good and Evil.

Feels happier in the presence of animals.

Feels alone in the presence of others.

Questions everything.

Never stops thinking.

Is deeply emotional.

Avoids looking in the mirror.

Loves crying.

Deflects compliments (mostly)

Is obsessed with chasing perfection.

Thinks perfection is achievable, yet also thinks it is not.

Reads half a book then waits 2 months to read it again.

Full of excuses.

Is loved.

Is hard on himself and easy on others.

Wanted to get married at 5 years old

Smiles with warmth.

Misses chances.

Fails.

Wins sometimes.

Has low energy levels.

Hates being controlled.

Wishes they could fix everything.

Feels responsible for things he isn’t responsible for.

Is called Lewis Sandilands

Is taller than he was,

Smarter than he was,

More than he was.


This was quite therapeutic.

Thanks for reading, God Bless.


Yours,

Lew


Photo by Ben Sweet on Unsplash