I need to let some things out

I’ve been struggling as usual, and it never seems to end.

When I come to writing things down I always feel I have to justify my feelings or thoughts first, let’s skip that part.


This is what I think everyone knows:

I’m shy. Everyone knows I forget everything. They know I’m clumsy, sometimes a bit aloof and usually tapping my right leg. That I’m not reliable. That I don’t get out much and don’t have many friends my age. That I often don’t feel comfortable. That I’m a creative person. That I should be avoided.

Yes I’m paranoid. I am, I truly am paranoid.

I’m constantly afraid of what everyone is thinking. Constantly aware of every stutter and every awkward leg movement I make. I’m aware that I’m paranoid.

I don’t know what to say, but.. I don’t trust people very easily. I’m afraid they’re going to be disappointed in me. I’m afraid that if I tell them how I truly feel it’ll be pushed to the side. I’m afraid that if I tell them about what I’ve done this week- they will laugh and tease me.

The reality is, this happens sometimes, and sometimes not. I’m often tricked by the illusion that it will always go badly. After I’ve done something I was afraid of, I always look back and wonder where the emotion and the panic came from. I come out the other side alright.

I’m going to keep doing scary things. I’m going to continue being afraid until I am not anymore. At least that’s something right?


Love,

Lew


Photo by Sammie Vasquez on Unsplash

I’m the kind of person who ____

Would rather go to a pub for the elderly than a disco.

Would rather listen to beautiful music rather than motivational music.

Dresses like they’re poor.

Pursues authenticity at every chance.

Imagines terrible scenarios that end up not happening.

Is their own enemy

Denies they have a ginger beard.

Prioritises escapism.

Thinks more, does less.

Is intrigued by the duality of Good and Evil.

Feels happier in the presence of animals.

Feels alone in the presence of others.

Questions everything.

Never stops thinking.

Is deeply emotional.

Avoids looking in the mirror.

Loves crying.

Deflects compliments (mostly)

Is obsessed with chasing perfection.

Thinks perfection is achievable, yet also thinks it is not.

Reads half a book then waits 2 months to read it again.

Full of excuses.

Is loved.

Is hard on himself and easy on others.

Wanted to get married at 5 years old

Smiles with warmth.

Misses chances.

Fails.

Wins sometimes.

Has low energy levels.

Hates being controlled.

Wishes they could fix everything.

Feels responsible for things he isn’t responsible for.

Is called Lewis Sandilands

Is taller than he was,

Smarter than he was,

More than he was.


This was quite therapeutic.

Thanks for reading, God Bless.


Yours,

Lew


Photo by Ben Sweet on Unsplash

My Awkwardness

uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuugh awkwardness, nervousness and the what ifs.

I’ve always been the shy, reserved type. Wondering what might go wrong if I do a certain something.

Talking to a girl? ohnonononononononononnono.

She”ll think I’m weird.

She probably caught me glancing at her and thinks I’m a creep!

SHE MIGHT NOT LIKE MY FACE,
she might not even like my voice.

Silly Lewis, the one who worries all the time and is basically afraid of people. So silly and daft that guy.

So, what prompted this post? Why do I want to talk about awkwardness?

Because I deal with it TONS. I am so terrible at introducing myself to people, and I want to explore that. I dealt with it today, as I do everyday; but today was Church day. The day I go to Church (omg unbelievable) and talk with lots of other Christians and strangers.

I love going to Church but it’s very very very challenging for me. I’ve had a lot of time to get used to speaking to strangers ie. high school, primary school. Yet for the life of me I still don’t “get it” and I feel angry at myself.

Angry for not being good enough, angry for being reserved and shy. Angry, that I mostly talk to people who come to me. I know, I know, I torture myself pretty much everyday with these kinds of thoughts, and yes I hate it. Why don’t I do something about it though? I can’t, at least not immediately (that also makes me angry at myself).

But someday, some week, some year, some decade: I will run right past the issues I’m having right now.

Thanks for reading, this has been a post about my awkwardness.

#mentalhealth #socialphobia #frustration

Thoughts, O’ thy thoughts.

Hey, been a while since I’ve even looked at my blog; mostly out of fear of not writing good enough and making a fool of myself.

Here, today; I’m writing not because I have to but because I want to, I really want to. “My perfectionism has been stopping me”- no. I’ve been stopping myself.

I want to talk about thoughts.


Thoughts are like everything, double sided, good or bad.
And they cling. They cling onto you, begging for attention.

“Please! Please! Listen to me, listen to why you’re useless! Why you are not worthy of life, why you deserve to suffer, why you shouldn’t look forward.”

It’s exhausting, you wish they’d just go away but they more you fight them, they more they fight you. So ignore them, ignore their theories, pay your mind some relief and get away.
Catch the positive ones and ignore the negative.

“Lewis you’re the best, you always try so hard, in whatever you do”


Take care folks,

Lewis


Photo by NeONBRAND on Unsplash